I hate cutlery. I hate it with a venom reserved only for those objects in life that float under the radar with the pretence of being useful, when in actual fact what they are is just another opportunity to fall foul of the dating game.
Now, I know this view may be slightly contentious and some people may think ‘surely it’s bad manners not to if you’re halfway through your meal?’, while others will say ‘why do you even waste your time thinking about these things?’, but I don’t care. Under no circumstance should cutlery ever be crossed. No fork, no knife, no spoon should come in contact with any other utensil. Ever.
You see, bad things happen when you cross cutlery. Unspeakable things. And yes, you may very well be sat there laughing into your lunch at this suggestion, but woe betide those who deny the cutlery curse. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day you will regret all that crossed cutlery, mark my words.
The non-cutlery crossing routine is a relatively simple rule for me to follow at home, where I can correct accidental crossings with ease and without fear of rebuttal or ridicule. Where it all goes wrong is when I attempt to leave the house.
Imagine this: you are sat in a lovely Italian restaurant on a date with a lovely Italian man (or woman), sipping at fine wine and getting along famously. Then, just as your companion finishes their starter, you watch – perhaps in slow motion, like many of the bad things in life – as they place their knife and fork on their plate, deliberately crossing one over the other.
You are speechless. You feel sick. But the worst thing is you’re thinking: do I risk appearing to be an insane asylum escapee by requesting that they uncross their knife and fork? Do I do it for them? You can’t; it would be pure madness to reach over and meddle with their cutlery. So you sit there, suffering in silence, until the plate is taken away. But then your mind begins to wander: did the waiter uncross the knife and fork when they took the plate to the kitchen? Are the knife and fork still crossed right now?
…And the date is ruined.
Of course, it doesn’t have to be cutlery that throws you off your game; it applies to all things. Imagine seeing – for example – your ex on a neighbouring table. Then imagine them catching your eye and getting up to walk over, and you’ll be about where I am on the cutlery front. Sweating, nauseous and scanning the horizon for a quick exit.
There must be room in the market for a dating site along the lines of phobiamatch.com, where you can filter potential partners based on preferred behaviour, such as no cutlery crossing. But then the risk of ending up with a similar nutcase is very high, and I wouldn’t want to cross the streams…
1 comment:
Funny you should mention this C to the C. I have a thing about hearing people chew and cutlery clinking on plates. It drives me nuts. A drill to the head like no one's business.
i see you've sorted out how to change the template - thanks for da link :-)
and yeah, as for the dating site, maybe you should come to drinks at the pub with me. whenever i get with friends, we all realise we have similar social anxieties eg leaving the house. there's a logic there.
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